Risky Business

April 1, 2008 at 12:24 am 6 comments

     Husband (and I, but it’s really him as he’s been on the wait-list longer than I’ve known him) has a permit to raft the Grand Canyon this summer. A 16 day trip, it’s the adventure of a lifetime that will possibly only come along (for me) once in a lifetime.

     But I’m not going. 

     I used to consider myself fearless; driving off in my jeep with a tankful of gas, a cooler of food, and a USGS survey map in search of adventure in the Colorado mountains – without telling anyone where I was going or when I’d be back – was my idea of a good time. Idly wandering around Europe by myself without an agenda or any idea where I’d sleep for the night brought not fear, but a sense of excitement. Hanging out doing research in deserted graveyards in downtown San Antonio, where there were more drug deals than funerals, gave me a thrill instead of the heebie jeebies. But now I have fear. Fear of the very big, very cold water in the Colorado River, and fear of hiking out alone partway through the trip in well over 100 degree heat. But most of all, I have fear of leaving this child with one less person in his world.

     Being a parent, and more specifically being a parent to this child, makes me less likely to take risks. He has wonderful godparents who would manage beautifully his raising if both Husband and I died, but to potentially leave him parentless is not something I’m going to go out of my way to risk. My priorities have changed, and that’s actually okay with me. It probably seems boring, and I know Husband is disappointed, but I just can’t do it. I don’t really feel sad or regretful about it (well, maybe a tiny bit); it just is what it is.

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Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , .

Let it be You say baboon, I say bamboo

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. T$  |  April 2, 2008 at 3:51 am

    i’m all for low risk.

    I’ll just bet you are, oh godfather of C. 😉

    Reply
  • 2. jesch30  |  April 2, 2008 at 7:46 pm

    I didn’t want to be the one to say that… 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. T$  |  April 2, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    wait, i’m the godfather? did someone inform me of this?

    Um, hello??? Like, 50 zillion times as we were preparing our wills making sure you were willing to take on the huge life change if necessary? Or did I just talk to J?

    Reply
  • 4. Good Fountain  |  April 2, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    I understand your feelings quite well. I went skydiving in my younger days, something I would never consider doing now.

    Parenting really does changes us. For the better, I like to think.

    Yes, for all the things we might leave behind, I’m pretty sure we gain some new things that many other people never get to experience!

    Reply
  • 5. jesch30  |  April 3, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    Whoops. I also wondered why these alleged godparents weren’t the ones who were going to care for C in the event of Awful…

    Did I miss something? I need to call you, because I don’t get that comment. I think something was lost (for me) in the typing instead of saying. I probably need reading therapy…

    Reply
  • 6. He’s okay, I think « What We Need  |  August 17, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    […] This particular trip, one I ultimately declined to join (see here), has been challenging. C is at a tiring age (when is a restful age?), which leaves us zapped on a […]

    Reply

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